PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.