Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
no cat here
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.