My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
You Might Also Like
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room