Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
August 8
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.