me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Somebody’s lying.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?