-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.