Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.