One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
2022 be like
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.