I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
every single time
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.