Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.