Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge