Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
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I’m calling the cops.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.