Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
crazy
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
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For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
What a chick magnet..
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Ken is short for chicken
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.