[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
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I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: