My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
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Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you