[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
That eye roll….
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers