The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.