One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
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You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
me refusing to leave twitter
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites