Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.