My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
i hate you platonically
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.