Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
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People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long