[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
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This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”