Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
How actors in movies eat their food
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
plums roundup
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then