i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
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ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.