My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
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Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂