If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I have so many questions.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.