I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Twitter is an abusement park.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth