If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
listen closely
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.