*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.