ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My whole life was a lie.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.