Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
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My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Holy moly
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.