Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
couldn’t resist
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs