My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Flowers bee like
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
He wanted to make sure😂
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.