I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
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This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book