I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.