i wish all
whales
a very
big
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day