*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
You can’t outrun your problems…
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I think I’m having a stroke
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.