Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
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Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁