Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol