Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
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Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away