FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
repaired
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.