Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
You Might Also Like
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
May your day taste like creamy soup.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Me in tagged photos
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School