A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
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Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Chicago sounds lovely.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
😏😏😏
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah