How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
The cashier just checked me out.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
i love meeting boys on tinder
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?