You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
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Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
FRED: right
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle