And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too