“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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a badder mouse
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*