Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
White Castle for the Win
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.