Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Wait a second…
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.