This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils